If we dance, we're going to do "IT"

Deconstructing Gaslighting™

Have you ever found yourself questioning the ideas, opinions, or beliefs of those around you - whether that be your family, your church, your community, or even society at large – but not feel it’s OKAY to question them? In today’s episode, Sarah deconstructs how that could be due to gaslighting.

Our guest today is the Queen of Intimacy, Jenni Rochelle! (jennirochelle.com; Instagram: @thejennirochelle; Beauty After Betrayal podcast)

Word of the day: Indoctrinate: Falls under the umbrella of brainwashing, but different in that with indoctrination, the situations revolve around groups as opposed to 1:1. Here’s the definition: to teach (someone) to fully accept the ideas, opinions, and beliefs of a particular group and to not consider other ideas, opinions, and beliefs. When deconstructing, Sarah pulls apart things that almost always overlap – think of H2O, or water. Two parts hydrogen, one part water. The gaslighting we experience in the religious, cultural, and societal constructs are like H2O – but it would be I2C: two parts indoctrinate, one part coercion. Basically, to be loved, approved, and accepted (or “worthy”/wanted), you have to align your ideas, opinions, and beliefs to theirs. Today, Sarah and Jenni explore the ways they experienced this revolving around the topic of sex.

So, trigger warning….

Storytime:

• Sarah and Jenni talk about the ways they experienced gaslighting around sex – messages they were directly/indirectly told as they were growing up that led to these main beliefs: sex is not okay; sex is shameful.
• They further discussed the nuances of gaslighting around FEMINE sexuality, and the direct/indirect messages that led to these main beliefs: women aren’t supposed to like sex; women give pleasure, we don’t receive pleasure; women should be responsive - they shouldn’t be initiators/we should wait.

Deconstruction Zone:

• Grandmother/religion/culture/society = collective gaslighter.
• Through patriarchal and puritanical messages, the validity of questioning things was challenged
• Brainwashing/indoctrinated: there was only one “right” way to enjoy sex + the distortion that even just having curiosity was “sinful”; sinful = unacceptable = threat to the attachment (exclusion).
• Desire to be loved/accepted/included/wanted by others + the gaslighting = conflict between self-love and getting the love of others.
• Fell into explanation trap/negotiation trap… sacrificed truth/voice needs because the blame Jenni took on for the gap between what was being “taught” to her and what she felt in her knowing.
• WAY easier to do than take on a whole-ass construct!
• Repetition of this sacrificing = Jenni to become disconnected from self = unable to express own feelings/needs/perception (sexually repressed)

Set Your Alarm: Jenni shared her tip of “Going slow is your super-power” – getting curious and ASKING the questions where you think/feel something different. To get clear about sexual things, specifically, work on getting in touch with your body; pay attention to the expansion/contraction.

Set the snooze: Regarding the Explanation trap – pay attention to when the explanation does NOT bring relief/understanding, but rather causes more confusion, anxiety, and fear.

Remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!

Have a question you'd like Sarah to answer? Submit questions here

Want to share your experience on the podcast with Sarah? Request to be on podcast here