"The Scarlett Letter - at what point do I take it off?"

Deconstructing Gaslighting™

Have you ever wondered what it’s like to have a coaching session? Or to get a gaslighting specialist take the situation you’re dealing with, unpack it for you in the moment, and help you identify that elusive, “Why does this keep happening?” or “Why can’t I seem to break the hold this has on me?”

Today Sarah has a brave soul who volunteered to share her story in a little bit of a different format… that is, Sarah basically does a coaching session with her, and you, dear listeners, get to listen in.

Word of the day: Today’s word of the day is DISTORTION. To distort something is to change it from its original, natural, or intended meaning, condition, or shape, especially in a negative way. Distortion is a MAJOR tactic of gaslighting - typically a powerful one because things start out “true”, but when the distortion kicks in, we are thrown off… the ½ truths confuse and open the door for self-doubt to creep in. Distorting statements that are especially potent usually distort the facts in such a way that it plays on our values.

Rachel’s story is the perfect example...

Storytime: Sarah and Rachel go through the circumstances that led to Rachel assimilating her gaslighter’s point a view; a view that led her to pretty much hate herself and beat herself up on the daily; a view steeped in shame.

• They discuss the way Rachel was betrayed, was the betrayer, and then the betrayed again – and while SHE did everything she could to make amends and repair the relationship, her gaslighter has held it over her head, while continuing to betray her, then using her betrayal to justify any and every hurtful thing he does.

Mini Deconstruction Zone:

• Main mind-fuck tactics:

1. Inconsistency – his particular flavor of inconsistency is to change the rules based on who’s playing! He’s like a referee who calls more penalties on the team he’s not rooting for, and pretends like he doesn’t see flagrant fouls on “his” team.
2. Highlighting “flaws” – exaggeration of faults, projection, and cutting remarks
3. Ignoring reality
4. Changing reality – twisting statements/facts; minimizing his behaviors, and DISTORTION

Set Your Alarm: Sarah wraps up our time together with two tools… if we were in a “proper” coaching session, Sarah would likely give you these two things as “homework”:

1) Sort out distortion from truth – draw/print up a table with four columns:

• What happened/what was said – what would someone be able to record on their phone video?
• What are your thoughts and feelings about what happened/what was said?
• WHAT DO YOU KNOW TO BE TRUE? Make sure you’re coming from your p.o.v., not your gaslighter’s p.o.v. – give yourself time to sink into your knowing – if too foggy (gaslighting side effect) – bring it to your therapist, coach, or support group (like my Deconstructing Gaslighting Seekers group). You’ll get there.
• What do you need to do, based on what you know to be true?

2) Mantra: I define me! (Main focus for today is you get to define your values)

So, dear listener, if you would like to share your story on my podcast, I’d love to have you! Go here and click on the “contact” tab.

And remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are! And now I leave you with the anthem of this podcast: Not Today…