"You left me no choice..."

Deconstructing Gaslighting™

Have you ever felt like you’re constantly putting out fires in your relationship while the other person stands and watches? How does this happen, and what part does gaslighting play in this dynamic? Sarah unpacks that in today’s episode as she and her guest discuss how this played out in his intimate partnership.

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Sarah’s guest today is Dave.

Word of the day: Responsibility. Dictionary.com defines responsibility as: the state or fact of being responsible, answerable, or accountable for something within one's power, control, or management. Let’s look at one more definition – the definition of responsible: Oxford languages defines responsible as: being the primary cause of something and so able to be blamed or credited for it. There are a number of ways someone can use gaslighting tactics/techniques to avoid taking responsibility for any number of things. As we dive into Dave’s story, we’re going to see a VERY clear picture of how his partner used gaslighting to paint himself as the Victim, in an attempt to pretty much never have to take on any responsibility.

Story Time: Sarah and Dave discuss the numerous ways he was gaslit by his partner, with a focus on how his partner used the line, “you (Dave) left me no choice (but to treat you this way) because (I’m the victim in one way or another).

Deconstruction Zone: Today was about The Victim role, and how most often the Victim will not discuss or take responsibility for their own faults.

• What we see in Mike is the classic Victim persona:
• Highly self-centered; everything revolves around him;
• Appeals to/preys upon other’s compassion/empathy;
• ***Would like to point out that most people don’t stay in one “role” – they overlap. Sarah named Mike as vacillating between all the roles except maybe the Romancer.

Set Your Alarm: Gaslighting crosses gender, orientation, and even type of relationship – meaning, it can be parent to child, friend to friend, intimate partner to intimate partner, etc. If you related to what David experienced in his intimate partnership, and you want to be more “awake” to what’s happening, here’s how you can set your alarm:

• In addition to keeping an eye out for DARVO, which is when your gaslighter reverses things back on to YOU, pay attention to two things:

1. If you’re not to blame for things, they blame anyone else they can – they are always the one that is the victim in the story.
2. They never see or own up to their part (aka, they never take responsibility for the things that are “within their power, control, or management.”

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Remember– it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!