S1 Ep11: Michelle Brasier joins the podcast!

Our Dads Died

Michelle Brasier joins the show! Go see her at the Edinburgh Fringe, where she's performing Reform at the Gilded Balloon Teviot at 7pm from August 3rd to 15th, and 17th to the 27th, and if you're in Australia (or have discovered a way to watch things in Australia even if you aren't) stream her show Average Bear on Paramount Plus! It's hilarious!
Show notes:
Intro: 0:00

• Welcome to one of the first episodes that wasn't recorded 100,000 years ago!
• Who the heck is Michelle Brasier?
  

Morning Drinkies: 1:11

• An alcoholic beverage in the morning is a British tradition - the podcast started when Tom and Rich used to go to the pub and talk about their dads.
• The podcast is about laughing a lot, even when the topic is not a topic where you would normally laugh.
• Michelle had a lovely childhood. She was in first year acting school at a fancy acting school and was a very strong singer.
• She took a year off and booked a trip to Glasgow (hey, that's where Tom lives!) to see Scotland, and was also interested in the Royal Scottish Academy of Music and Drama.
  

Fire: 5:54

• A month before Michelle was meant to go, she stood too close to a heater and caught on fire, leaving her with burns so serious she had to learn to walk again.
• Her dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.
• Her iconic friend James offered to quit his job and used up all of his leave looking after her in the hospital.
  

The day Michelle's father died: 9:43

• A rare bit of beauty around death - the hospital let them bring the dog in, which is rare.
• Michelle took the bold decision to start a relationship with a man on the day of her father's death. Perhaps unsurprisingly, that didn't form the basis of a lifelong partnership.
• A telenovela life.
  

Edinburgh and the death of Michelle's brother: 14:28

• Space Tortoise - a show about a tortoise who wants to go to space to show her dad how tall she has gotten.
• Edinburgh has a very special place in her heart - an absolutely beautiful story about snow globes.
• Her brother died after her dad died.
• An experimental drug - free if he survived for a year, and if he didn't, you had to pay for it.
  

Living each day like it's your last: 19:21

• There is a genetic predisposition to breast, stomach, ovarian, bowel and other cancers in that area in Michelle's family, which is why she is being treated as if she has Lynch syndrome.
• But she is much happier now than she was when she was 17.
• Rich is happier having lost stuff because he knows what it is to have things now.
• The hierarchy of grief.

Talking about the death of her brother: 24:14

• James was there when her brother died. They have been friends since they were 10, which is rare, and it is a real safety net.
• The process of talking about it after it happened came naturally to Michelle, but it was also a learning process.
• Finding the beauty in sadness and unhappiness is always a natural reaction to anything in the world. Anything sad and unhappy is always like... where's the fucking poem in that?
• "The horror of being truly known is the only thing that can get you to the joy of being truly loved."

Tom would basically just like to eschew humanity and be a rabbit instead: 29:09

• Tom often looks at his rabbits and goes, yeah, I could do that.
• Tom's dad was a big singer and obsessed with amateur dramatics, always doing stuff on stage. He was in lots and lots of shows.
• He was due to be in Starlight Express before he got the diagnosis - he had learned how to skate and everything, but he didn't want to do it.
• Nobody wants to see a man weeping on rollerblades. It's a safety risk.
• Tom's dad bloody loved a bargain.
  

The beauty in palliative care: 36:47

• Rich's dad had meningitis, but it sort of presented very suddenly. He was a GP, so he caught it off someone who came in to see him, and it can live in your body and then just sort of suddenly, suddenly, just have any symptoms.
• Meningitis is incredibly noble.
• Rich's dad hated it when someone on TV had a cardiac arrest and got resuscitated. He was angry that they always got it wrong.
• So when he died, had he been successfully resuscitated, he would have been absolutely fuming to be proven wrong. Alive, but at what cost?

Which is worse? Dying quickly or watching dad suffer: 41:03

• Tom talks about his dad dying over a period of two years and watching him suffer, and Rich talks about his dad dying quickly.
• Legionnaire's disease.
• Michelle's nephew is scared because he's seen someone go to hospital and not come back, and it's really hard to watch.
• "I wish a quick death on my mum."

Tumours affecting opinions: 45:20

• Michelle talks about her brother losing his mind slowly.
• Tom explains is dad took a slight turn too - he would occasionally pop up with an opinion, which was sad to hear. He was always a very smart man, but ended up buying into conspiracy theories following the brain tumours.
• You get used to them not being around, but you don't get used to not being able to tell them stuff.

Michelle's brother was her biggest supporter: 51:05

• Her brother was her biggest supporter and he would call her in the middle of the night with his friends at a party, playing one of her songs for the party.
• He was the only person in her family who she could turn to and be like, it just worked with this person.
• The experience of talking about her dad and brother onstage, and how she finds the experience of being able to do it in front of people who are dying.
• How her brother died in 2015, and why it took her a while to write her book.
  

Grief is not about the death itself: 56:19

• Being a performer, on stage, is a way to share grief through laughter and music. It's a way to ask questions rather than trying to come and pretend to have answers.
• There's something that comes from grief that is not about the death. grief is about asking questions.
• Tom & Rich profusely apologising as it's now 11pm in Melbourne and they've been chatting for two hours now.
• Michelle's Edinburgh show!
  

Catch Michelle at the Gilded Balloon: 1:00:07

• Michelle's Edinburgh show!
• Hey, Rich is doing a show too!
• Tom will be there to help smack away the cash of foolhardy individuals who don't give Rich enough dollar dollar bill y'all. And Rich has pledged to buy everyone a pint to say thanks for coming. What a nice guy.