Pushed

Bring Back the Poetry: The Podcast

I’ve done my best to eat my feelings after many nights and days
pizza that heals chicken that consoles and Oreos for better ways
than the ones I’ve been on this week this month this year
chips and salsa tacos and burritos are all I need to allay fear
junk food healthy food and everything in between
I’ve kept up with this habit ever since I was a teen
Captain Crunch at the end of the day before I went to bed
whatever it took to dodge the feelings going on inside my head
I’ve done my best to outrun my feelings literally in every way
using exercise as a coping mechanism cause I don’t want deal with a bad day
I’ve tried to walk jog run till I was out of breath and tired
sweat pouring down my brow but somehow emotionally wired
on the road in the water lifting weights but I can’t lift this
the physical distraction for emotional attraction is a guaranteed method to miss
to the point where I have nowhere left to turn
there’s no extinguisher for these flames perpetually they will burn
So I’ve done my best to numb my feelings honestly I just don’t want to feel
I don’t want to walk through the pain I don’t want to move on and heal
so bad habits take the place of letting feelings have a voice
I silence them habitually bad choice after bad choice after bad choice
until I am a stage with a tragedy played
defeat and discouragement desperately displayed
no progress I don’t know myself there’s no healing
I just can’t I just can’t right now I can’t bear the weight bound up in this feeling
Pushed to feeling my feelings I can do nothing more
the limits are overflowing and I’ve stuffed all I can store
that I can’t deny I am afraid the synapses and chemicals are full right here
the future and what is coming next yield unprecedented volumes of fear
but I’m not supposed to be afraid I’m not supposed play that game
so in addition to unsettling fear I am suffocating by all the shame
and it is stifling it is no wonder why I want to eat and run and get numb
it is no wonder why I want to suffocate my emotions because they only ever make me feel so dumb
two steps forward and two steps back no progress can be made
sun beating down a long road ahead with no oasis no shade
how do I do this? how do I move? how do I calm this storm in my chest?
how do I give voice to these feelings inside? how do I sit down in peace and rest?
Jason Tomlinson