Empowering Children Through Attunement: A Conversation with Kira Bender

Helping Families Be Happy

On today's episode, host Dr. Carla Marie Manley, a clinical psychologist and author from Sonoma County, California, talks to Kira Bender, a pediatric occupational therapist. The podcast explores various aspects of family, love, and relationships. Dr. Manley and Kira will discuss Kira's work and the role of an occupational therapist in the upcoming conversation.

Episode Highlights

• 01:06: Kira, the pediatric occupational therapist, and guest, provides insights into her background and role. She mentions that she is both a pediatric occupational therapist and a mother of a four-year-old child, emphasizing how these two aspects of her life are closely intertwined.
• 01:58: Kira explains the nature of pediatric occupational therapy and her specific approach to it.
• 02:24: Kira describes her current role as an outpatient occupational therapist based in Los Angeles, working for the Center for Connection, led by Dr. Tina Payne Bryson.
• 03:12: For children, their most important occupation is being a student and a family member, in addition to taking care of themselves. This underlines the holistic nature of pediatric occupational therapy, where the focus is on helping children thrive in all aspects of their lives.
• 04:47: Dr. Carla Manley explores the concept of attunement in the context of working with children, particularly in relation to Kira Bender's approach to pediatric occupational therapy.
• 05:30: Kira delves into the concept of attunement and its role in helping children, especially those with self-regulation challenges.
• 06:26: Kira emphasizes that a child won't learn to self-soothe if they are left to navigate distressing moments entirely on their own. Instead, repeated exposure to co-regulation is essential for a child to develop the skill of self-soothing.
• 08:04: Dr. Carla discusses scenarios where co-regulation is needed, such as when a child is having a temper tantrum. She points out that screaming at the child or leaving them is the opposite of co-regulation because it doesn't involve attuning to the child's needs.
• 10:30: Dr. Carla reinforces the idea that perfection is not the goal in parenting or caregiving, and it's natural for adults to have their own emotions and challenges when dealing with upset children.
• 11:30: Kira discusses the second step for parents or caregivers in co-regulating with a child who is experiencing intense emotions, especially when dealing with neurodivergent children.
• 13:24: Kira emphasizes that the tone, touch, body heat, and rhythm of the caregiver's actions are crucial in co-regulation. She points out that with infants, caregivers instinctively use their voice and soothing actions even when the child cannot understand words. It's about creating a calming and reassuring atmosphere.
• 15:10: Dr. Manley acknowledges that attunement is an art that requires effort, unlike using more conventional parenting methods like timeouts or one-size-fits-all approaches for multiple children.
• 17:18: Dr. Manley highlights the significant payoff of parenting in this way, emphasizing that investing in teaching children to self-soothe, regulate their emotions, and understand themselves at an early age can result in emotionally mature and competent individuals.
• 19:28: Kira explains that she is passionate about using books as tools for building social-emotional skills in young children. She shares her experience of presenting to the Los Angeles Public Library's team of children's librarians on this topic.
• 21:33: Kira emphasizes the importance of helping children understand their body cues, such as a fast-beating heart, a hot face, or shallow breathing, as clues to their emotional state. She believes that children need to learn these cues to identify when they might need to use strategies like asking for help from an adult or taking a break.
• 23:09: Kira uses books as co-regulation tools during emotional moments with her son and in her preschool group.
• 26:02: Storybook detectives is a strategy used when a child is regulated and ready to engage with a story.
• 28:12: Kira highlights that children often relate to characters in stories and can learn valuable lessons by diving deeper into the character's experiences.

3 Key Points

1. Kira explains that attunement involves not only understanding what's happening for the child but also helping guide them through specific moments. Many of the children she works with struggle with self-regulation, which is a natural part of child development.
2. Dr. Carla Manley discusses the common misconception that mirroring a child's emotions by stating what they are feeling might not always work, especially if the child denies their feelings. She agrees with Kira's emphasis on the importance of non-verbal cues and empathy.
3. Kira and Carla discuss the importance of using books to teach social-emotional skills to children of all ages and the positive impact it can have on their emotional well-being.

Tweetable Quotes

• “The goal of occupational therapy is to enable children to perform the activities they want and need to do in life, which extends beyond traditional job-related occupations. It encompasses essential life activities such as self-care, dressing, feeding, and play.” – Kira
• “Understanding the physiological process behind co-regulation can help parents be more empathetic to themselves and their children.” – Kira
• “By imparting emotional regulation and coping skills to children, they can navigate the world with more flexibility and resilience as they grow older.” – Kira
• “Books can help children connect with their bodies on a deeper level and foster a love for learning about themselves and the world around them.” – Kira

Resources Mentioned

• Helping Families be Happy Podcast Apple
• Podcast Editing