How to Stop Self-Blame After a Breakup

Life Is Love School

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When something bad happens, do you automatically think it's your fault?

Many childhood trauma survivors tend to default to self-blame. When you were little, developmentally, you could not see beyond yourself and understand that your caregivers could not meet your needs. Because of this, when bad things happen, blaming it on yourself seems the most reasonable, especially since you saw your parents as all-knowing, all-powerful, and perfect beyond blame.

The habit of blaming oneself is exacerbated if your parents also regularly put you down for things that are not your fault. If you internalized the blame to "I am not good enough," the feeling of less then can become part of your identity, and you start to blame yourself for things that are not your fault.

When an intimate relationship ends, the brain of a person who has a habit of self-blaming goes into overdrive. They cannot stop ruminating about what they could've or should've done, and some go as far as wishing there's a time machine so they can go back in time and "get it right." This excessive self-blame is not only incredibly painful but keeps them stuck in limbo, unable to move forward.

If self-blame keeps you from moving forward at the end of a relationship, this episode is for you.

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