Kayla in Wonderland

Deconstructing Gaslighting™

Have you ever said, “I used to be (so confident; more fun; more relaxed, etc)?”. In today’s episode, Sarah deconstructs how the gaslighting tactic of UNDERMINING is often the culprit for this experience as she unpacks the main dynamics in her guest Kayla’s relationship with her ex.

Word of the day: Undermine – when it comes to gaslighting, undermining is a technique often used to cause the other person to lose connection with and trust in themselves. When we no longer know who we are, there’s no way we can trust ourselves; and if we can’t trust ourselves, we become more and more vulnerable to other people defining for us who we are, and how we should live.

Want to know if you’re experiencing gaslighting? Check out my free self-assessment here!

Story Time: Sarah and Kayla discuss the numerous ways her ex gaslit her into becoming a smaller and smaller version of herself.

• How Kayla went from being single, thriving, and knowing what she wanted from an intimate partner, to feeling a mere shadow of her former self.
• When the relationship first started with her ex, everything was almost perfect, but then the “Honeymoon” phase ended abruptly about four months into the relationship.
• How Kayla’s search for answers led her to attachment theories, to learning about narcissism, to, eventually, gaslighting.
• How Kayla “began a crusade” focusing only on his needs and ignoring all of her needs.
• Sarah and Kayla discussed the main areas of gaslighting Kayla endured; about her darkest days towards the end of that relationship, and where she is today.

Deconstruction Zone:

• Sarah focused on what stood out to her – CHALLENGING THE VALIDITY OF YOUR FEELINGS, NEEDS, DESIRES, ETC.
• Sarah highlighted:
• Brainwashing & Mind Games
• Through HIGHLIGHTING FLAWS & UNDERMINING
• Sounds like: focusing on your faults & exaggerating them; “You’re too needy; you’re insecure; you need to work on yourself, etc.”
• ***He was especially insidious because he was insulting/critical about things that were Kayla’s insecurities AND strengths & accomplishments.
• Kayla’s empathy = disregard own needs and feelings
• Desire to “fix” it (Kayla’s “competitiveness”) exemplified the explanation trap = self-gaslight/take on blame.
• Negotiation trap – “If I could be better; I need to work on myself to be better for us.”

Set Your Alarm: When it comes to undermining, pay special attention to two things we saw in Kayla’s story: 1) Criticism or insults in areas you typically feel confident in; 2) Using withdrawal/silent treatment when you do something the other person doesn’t like OR you won’t do something they want you to do. In a healthy relationship, the other person celebrates your strengths and is your biggest fan; they want to see you thriving. They also listen to you, respect you, and validate you when you want something other than what they want.

Thank you for listening to today’s episode. If you liked it, please leave a review and subscribe, and if you think others would benefit from it, please share it. And remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!

Have a question you'd like Sarah to answer? Submit questions here

Want to share your experience on the podcast with Sarah? Request to be on podcast here