33. I'm Going to Eliminate Vladimir Putin for his Invasion of Ukraine

Sneeze! with James Whittingham

How James plans to 'get rid of' 'The Russian Perogie' due to his war on Ukraine.

All links James: https://linktr.ee/whittingham

Twitter: @jewhittingham and @sneezeshow

Other podcast: @cleanenergypod

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Transcript of this episode:

Obese man on obese world Obesity Day 2022 Drinking a Diet Pepsi because he can't drink water.

He needs, needs everything to be sweet.

Here it goes from a bottle.

Not a good patch.

That was carbon dioxide releasing from my belly.

I'm not high.

I'm not anything.

Hello.

This is my plan to kill Vladimir Putin.

Vladimir Putin, the autocratic dictator of the Federated, russia of Russia.

To which I say to you, fuck you, Vladi.

Fuck you, you treasonous, war criminal, small, bunker minded, tiny man.

I'm coming to kill you.

Yes, you.

This is how I'm going to do it.

You need to be killed.

You need to be spanked.

Honestly.

Of course you need to be spanked.

But I think you would enjoy that.

Being the man who hangs out in oligarch circles on yachts with young impressionable women with low selfesteem.

Probably spanking you for thousands of dollars and jewelry gifts.

That's their problem.

One day they will end up dead.

No one will care.

They should care.

But they're not going to, are they? Because you're going to make people not care.

The truth is out there.

Accepted Russia, where truth does not exist.

Truth is such a precious commodity that people, when they actually hear the truth, don't believe it.

Like those who listen to Fox News as those who think that the vaccine is doing something permanent to you when science says otherwise.

Putin probably made you think that not taking the vaccine going on Facebook is the real microchip implantation.

Russia is no doubt involved in this shit of making people stupid.

And that's why I'm going to fucking kill Vladimir Putin middle name.

Get this, vladimirovich the man so nice, they named him basically twice.

Vladimir.

Vladimirovich.

That's like Jameson Whittingham.

Here's how I'm going to do it.

The poison agent that killed or almost killed his opposition leader or opposition figure in the country is Novocalk.

Okay? Now you know how dangerous this is.

Contaminated planes by the dozens.

And it's a nerve agent.

There's a trace that can kill you.

So I'm getting the same room as Vladi out of the pretense that I am a yacht broker, because you know there's going to be a lot of yachts on the open market.

I try to pick one up myself.

These are yachts that are going to be seized by these fuckers who support Putin and took all of Russia's money.

One owns a steel plant just down the road from me.

It's amazing.

Fucking oligarchs and their yachts.

Their billion dollar yachts.

You know, the disco is in the basement of the yacht.

I think that's a mistake.

I think the disco should be on the top floor.

I don't want to go down into the CD Club if I own the world that this club exists in.

I wanted to be up high.

Let it be under the stars.

Let it be a rooftop party.

Let it have a deck that opens up so you can see the stars.

Put the disco on the roof along with the pool and the helipads.

You can't have a million dollar yacht without a helipad and a helicopter.

You need an escape route.

Do you know the fanciful thing that seems unbelievable about these fucking yachts? They have anti paparazzi lasers.

The lasers can detect camera flashes and instantly respond by blinding the camera so that you cannot take pictures of it.

These things are real.

I checked it out.

It's not a myth.

They actually have anti paparazzi lasers on them, as well as anti aircraft and anti terrorist shit.

Russian Pepsi.

Alright, vladi, you know, he sits across giant tables.

He's paranoid of covet.

I don't think he's taking the vaccine.

He made his daughter take the vaccine.

But he's so paranoid at covet that his tables are like a block long.

They're city block long.

I'm not even kidding.

They're huge.

They've had to construct these tables to make Vladi look like he should end sit at one of the ends of it.

Yeah.

So that's where my meeting would take place, as all meetings do with Putin on the end of a block long table where you have to shout to the other side.

It's true.

I think he's scared of being poisoned.

But here's what I've looked at the rooms of where he has his meetings.

There's like four or five doors on them.

So what I'm going to do is I'm going to make my pitch for my yachts, okay? I want to sell them a yacht.

I'm going to secure yacht and that's going to be my pitch.

I'll have a translator there as well.

I don't know who that's going to be, but someone sexy to distract him.

Not that sexy because I got to get to that in a minute.

There's going to be a different kind of sexy that's going to distract him.

What I'm going to do is I'm going to touch all the doors and I'm going to tell him, all right, there's no shock and all the doors and I'm going to die within three minutes.

But here's the deal.

Here's the deal, Vladi.

I want you to give up what you're doing in the Ukraine.

In Ukraine.

Not the Ukraine.

It's not the Canada, it's not the Iceland.

It's Ukraine.

Just fucking Ukraine.

James.

Okay? I want you to give it up, Vladi.

And here's what you're going to do.

You're going to tell your troops right now on the phone, on the blower to pick it up and tell them to leave or I'm going to come and touch you.

Now, he knows Taekwondo, supposedly, but he's an old man.

He's getting old, obviously.

He's going crazy.

Bat shit fucking crazy.

So he'll come at me, my defense, dropping my pants.

You know how he hates anything gay in the Russia.

Just comes out really against gay.

He's homophobic.

I'll drop my pants.

Two things will happen.

Either he is gay and he'll be consumed by the glisten of my penis.

Consumed.

Or he'll be so disgusted that he'll just stop in his track so he won't go near me.

Okay, this is why penises are a great self defense, and they're often not used in that way.

There's two ways that it'll go.

Either he is gay and he'll be taken aback by the glisten of my penis, the shining orb that is my junk, or he'll be completely scared of it.

And most people are scared of it, to be honest.

This will help me work.

With the tools you have, they're not going to take off my penis before I enter the room.

They might try to take it off afterwards.

That's what I'm going to do.

Okay? Now, I assume somewhere in the room there's a fork.

And with that fork, I'm going to stab him in the heart.

I'm not going to kill him.

I'm going to kill him, and then I'm going to eat them because he looks like a pirogi to me.

And on behalf of the Ukrainian people, I'm going to eat Putin.

And then when the guards come in, I'll say, it was never here.

Once again, here, because I've eaten them.

And I'll say, what are those bones over there? Oh, we had some chicken.

Vladi has really big chickens.

He doesn't show them to everybody he works with, but he does.

He has very big chickens.

Those are like I said, we just had a really good time meeting them.

And that's how I'm going to kill him, basically with my penis, a dinner fork, and the threat of the very poison he used against other people.

It's simple.

I don't know why somebody's not doing it.

I don't know why I have to do this shit.

There should be spies that can do this.

And why haven't they done it a long time ago? He's out of control.

The man is a menace.

Should be cluster bombing his fucking mansion, his palace in the woods.

Why are we doing that? Maybe a small nuke on that would be nice.

God, I hate that fuck.

Vladimir.

Vladimirovic Putin.

Suck my fucking white cock, you useless piece of pirogi shit.

Going to bring salt with me? They'll probably not let me have salt.

I'm going to try.

I'll PrePat it down for salt.

Maybe if I put salt in my pocket, just loosely, a little bit of pepper.

I don't want to eat him raw, but I will get rid of him.

Or maybe I'll psychologically make him realize that he's gay and make him stab himself in the heart because he despises it.

He's so afraid of it.

My junk will make Putin realize he's gay and he'll kill himself.

That's the bunker mentality.

Yes.

That's how it's going to go down.

Wrinkly, middle aged man scrotum freshly waxed at the parlor, the Russian parlor.

They don't care about paying much there, do they? Maybe we should get it done overseas, here in North America.

Anyway, that's my plan.

I'm going to kill him as soon as I can.

I'm learning as much as I can about yachts.

I'm trying to get one myself.

I would rent it out as an airbnb.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not stupid, but I wouldn't rent the whole thing out to rich people.

I just rent it out to moderately rich people so everybody could be like my own cruise ship.

Like $5,000 a night for one of the bunks.

And that's not including food.

You pay for your food.

The big buffet grossly biased by my fast food habits.

So we're talking hamburgers, french fries, tacos on Tuesdays and Saturdays, and pizza vagina style.

You don't know what that is, but you won't even be able to look it up.

I'm afraid it'll be hard.

You'd have to do some deep digging to find what Regina style pizza is.

I think it's thick and saucy.

So what else would I cake? Yeah, like I said, it's world obesity day today, and it's also world engineering day.

So I got a kid in engineering university, and so he celebrated.

I'm celebrating.

We're both going to have cake.

It'll be more apt that I have the cake, being obese as it is and celebrating the day.

Yeah, and I'll wear my mask, too.

Damn it.

You know what? He'll probably want me to wear a mask.

I could say the mask has the poison, but I've bitten a pill in my molar and I've got pills in my molar.

I've got all kinds of them.

I've got a flintstones in one, I've got poison pill in another.

I've got various pills in my molars.

I'm not a spy, but you want to be prepared with these things if you can.

I'm a man who likes to be prepared, and putting pills in my mowers is certainly one of the first steps I took when I became an adult.

And you got to get it replaced.

Every few years.

They do expire, so the dentist will say, james, your poison pills expired.

We'd like to see you in the next three months.

Otherwise it's going to be pointless or not as effective when you crunch the poison pill, because you'll just die slowly and stuff instantly.

What you want to do if you're under dress and torture.

So, yeah, it's not easy.

It's not cheap either.

You got to get a lot of work done to get those pills out.

It's hard too.

You got to crack the molar rate open.

But it's doable.

It's doable.

And when you're under stress, a lot of adrenaline is not that hard.

Not as hard as you think.

I've practiced it.

So yeah, the man, the fucker, the loser, the piece of shit has to die.

And I'm surprised that the whole world isn't marching into Ukraine and fighting.

I know some people are.

I know it's crazy, but I feel like we have to fight for democracy, that it's worth it, that this is an actual fight for democracy.

We'll do it on Ukraine soil.

I'm sorry, Ukraine.

I'm sorry.

It's shitty.

The whole world is shitty.

I mean, you think you can't get any shittier and suddenly Vladimir Putin, the progeny of Russia, the man named twice because his parents thought that he probably wouldn't remember a middle name, so they gave him his first name again because he was too stupid.

Fuck you, Putin.

I'm going to stick a fork in your heart.

Then I'm going to eat you.

I'm going to eat you.

Then I'm going to say you're left over chicken.

A giant chicken.

That's what you are.

Leftover chicken.

When the people come into the room.

Fuck you.

So I'm not a killer.

I don't kill people.

But you deserve to be killed in the worst way, with a dinner fork.

My dinner fork.

The dinner fork of an obese yacht agent.

A man who sells possessed yachts to the uber wealthy.

Maybe he'll be trying to get a yacht back for one of his buddies.

But the word is he's estranged from everyone.

He's probably estranged from his children.

Why would you talk to this man? He's such a piece of shit.

He's the world's biggest loser.

Hitler had a mustache.

Flat.

He can't grow one.

Hitler had hair.

He had wonderful hair.

Flatty.

Can't grow hair.

Imagine how he feels.

A failed artist, a useless piece of shit in total control of information and everything.

And yet he fears becoming Mumar Gaddafi.

Sodomized as he's dragged off and killed from his bunker.

That's what's going to happen.

Except the fork is going to be the sodomy and the asshole is going to be your heart, because you are an asshole.

Going to cut it there.

I hope the next time I talk to you, things are better in the world.

I don't think they will be.

It's important to listen what great minds like myself have to say about this.

And it's important to know that I will kill Vladimir Putin.

See you next time.

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