S01E06.5 Extra Credit: Special December Time Episode

The JK Around Podcast: Taking the Magic Out of Comedy

The Grumpus Who Stole December Time from the Children

When the Nation was sleeping from the beach to the city (Capitol City)
Behold in the forest, where everything dark grows
There came a low moaning which didn’t sound pretty
A sound not heard ‘fore then, but now everyone knows

Now, children and spinsters were hanging their chickpeas
From window to window on shoelaces, thread
Tiny curmudgeons and bachelors the samsies
Were celebrating the cold month on ‘coon tumours fed

But could they have known that just past rolling desert
Was brewing in forest evil ne’er felt, seen nor saw
That would rival the stories made-up by some stuffed shirt
From those slightly annoying to those that stick in your craw

Thick growths from raccoons, gristly glistening in pans
A feast, black like tick rot, to get stuck in their throats
Pricks shaved from cacti and dipped in hummus from cans
Some dreaming of leaving, cut down dark forest for boats

So right were the dreams dreamt by they who were dreaming
And believers in wishes, should not have left the pond placid
For the toy boats in wishing pond were waterlogged and sinking
Soon the dreams and lost wishes would be covered in blood

Soft moaning grew to a deafening roar
Leaves rustled as trees quaked against waves of sound
The Nationals with children planned a retreat to the shore
While lonely despondents in fetal position were found

Then out from those towering trees did emerge
A bounding, feral cat with insurmountable cry
It gripped all with fear and so sang they a dirge
For, it seemed, by the sound, at least, the Nation’s end was nigh

The beast that was Grumpus, the feline from hell
Marched with a rumpus through the Capitol streets
A million demon cat screams, ne’er easy to quell
Was odd to imagine from even a kitty in heat

“Batten the hatches”, whatever battening is
“And start making hummus, we’ll all need our strength
To defeat this prowling, deranged thing with whiskers
What will we go to, what will we, what lengths?”

“Fill our ears up with chickpeas to block out the cries?
Will we run at the pussy and let it scratch out our eyes?
Put it ‘tween our legs and crush its head with our thighs?
How oft must we do that? A cat has nine lives!”

Plotting was grand by blowhards and would-be heroes
But they stayed in their houses afraid to go out
You must understand, you could hear this screech in your toes
And that’s not an idiom we lightly bandy about!

Finally, when a while had passed ‘neath their noses
They decided ’twas time to run to the mountain
They packed up their children with all of their clotheses
And wished they’d wished wishes by wishing pond fountain

And heaving up mountain they climbed whilst the cat cried
The sound making knees weak, bringing tears to their eyes
Those friendless and family-less searched for places to hide
The others left dying loved ones soon to be covered with flies

The cat, was it a kitten?, kept straight on its course
Screeching hungry for ‘coon morsels to fill empty tum
But by the sound of its roar, it could eat a whole horse
Climbers dropped all food, so the beast would not come

But on it did journey putting a soft paw ‘front ‘nother
And meowing the whole time making foundations shake
It reached all the food piles and didn’t give it a bother
And everyone watched realizing their massive mistake

But little ’twas it known that in gutters and ditches
The raccoons were covering their velvety ears
Whilst folk tore at their clothes and ripped at their stitches
They thought, “taking a whole week off could ruin our careers”.

The raccoons were fed-up with the noise of this feline
They paced back and forth in the sewers of town
This cat and its volume was way out of line
And they were the warriors to take the thing down

As the puss found its way near the frightened, pooped people
It rubbed ‘gainst their legs as it screamed out its mew
The tears flowed from the helpless who collapsed, hopeless and feeble
But the raccoons came bounding, they knew what to do

Up side of the mountain, there burst charging bandits
The kitty didn’t notice, even its purring was loud
It turned at the last minute, but they ‘coons were upon it
The vermin then did the Capitol City people proud

They gutted their victim with teeth and with claw
They ripped out its entrails spewing blood on their coats
It made the ‘coons purple-red and all watched in awe
And the tears of joy and gratitude became a lump in their throats

Our saviours, the raccoons kept destroying that kitty-cat
They tore at its flesh till ’twas just tufts of hair
One ate its brain and wore its head like a fur hat
They scraped, scratched and gnawed till there was no loud cat there

“Odelloo-hee-ha” and “Huzzazussa” the country-folk roared
“The apocalypse is over! The beast has been destroyed!”
They cleaned off the raccoons, warm scented water was poured
“Shave the pricks from the cacti!” cel’brated them, o’er-joyed

A week, then, to honour them on every other day
Filled with hummus, pancake batter, bitter chocolate and wishes
They sang songs to ‘coon heroes which sat seated on hay
And fed them sweet blueberries on only the good dishes

And vowed they on knees and vowed they in temples
Their vowing was genuine, their vowing was deep
They wrote vows in blood, they vowed not in pencil
That all raccoon-kind, like their brothers, they’d keep

Now, many don’t realize how horny raccoons are
They, honestly, do it more that you’d think they physically can
And they never use condoms or finish in jars
They don’t pull out, use pills or just use their hand

These creatures are blessed and their off-spring are many
They lived in the darkness before they didn’t fit any more
And yes, they’re nocturnal, but take it from me
It’s hard to leave home with one ‘sleep ‘front your door

We swerve down the road ‘twixt sleeping ‘coons in the road
We can’t even drive if they fell asleep on the hood
You see, we can’t just run them over, like one would to a toad
Nor can we shoo them away, as you’d think that one could

And there’s just so much dung, all lying around
And babies falling out of trees onto heads passing under
We need to feed them from our pantries or they eat anything they’ve found
At times it crosses mind letting them be might be a blunder

So, wishes ‘pon wishes, swished rich wet wishes in pond
To be freed from infestation that they vowed to support
Since grass grew threw crap on front lawn, it’d been way too long
So, they considered their options in a raccoon free fort

“I can’t live with the faeces!” “I can’t live with the sex”
The citizens yelled in a the meeting they had
“They ate all my cattle!” “My grandmother’s vexed.”
“I want to smash all their heads, but that makes me feel sad.”

So torn they were, within each their hearts
Betray their dear saviours and repay them with death?
But they’d have to leave the city if they didn’t do their part
To do what was due to the doo-doo doers and poo pooping pests

And so came solutions to appease everyone’s conscience
“We’ll tape fireworks on their backs and hope that they light them!”
Some kids said this happened once, but never has since
Everyone agreed it’s a passive and inefficient way to get rid of a problem

And just before the town voted in a raccoon mayor
They came up with a plan, which was cruel, but good
They looked to the mountain, to the hope, said a prayer
And promised to remember them with little raccoons made of wood

Up to the mountain traversed they once more
And stood with their loved ones, silent and stiff
They would wait for coons to walk by on the fours
And jump at the chance to kick them over the cliff

And that is why we do, every December thirty-two-nd
Climb with little wood raccoons filled with fireworks
Up atop that mountain and let them float into the moon
And watch them explode by fiery arrows, without feeling like jerks

December Time Contest: Do your own version of “December Time is Here” or share December Time songs that you love!

Sing-along lyrics carol:

December Time is Here

Chorus
Nothing would get done if we only had that fun
December Time is here, December Time is here
We can now have every other day off, working in-between them

verse 1
Put chickpeas ‘cross the window, all strung out on a lace
Take that pancake batter and smear it on your face
December Time’s the only time we can afford that kind of waste

Verse 2
My smile is brown and chocolatey, I can barely sleep a wink
That bitterness that we choke down can really make you think
Why is December Time something that we love?
Because it’s good to see raccoons exploding from above

Chorus

Bridge
Now, girl, when the fireplace is all warmed up
We’ve got our cups full of chickpeas and chick please sitting next to me
And when I look into your eyes and remember the explosions of raccoons
I just take that cacti, dip it in hummus and hold it right up to the sky

Verse 3
December Time is over now, so sit in darkness in your room
In the new year you will be reborn, this represents the (your) womb
If you’re too eager to return to life, you’ll hear the Grumpus boom

Chorus

Merry December Time!

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Have a great week! Class dismissed.