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Can’t win over your stepkid?
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Again and again and again I'd try to win my stepkid over. I followed all the usual stepparenting advice: show an interest in their interests, take it slow, try not to take their rejection personally.
And nada. Zilch. Nothing.
I started getting desperate. I thought I could get her to like me if I acted differently. So I acted differently. Which didn't work. So then I acted a different differently. Still nothing.
I started dreading visitation weeks because I knew that meant I’d be second-guessing every single thing I said, every conversation taking place on eggshells. I felt awkward and inhibited around my stepkid. I’d bite my tongue all day, then at night lie awake replaying every mistake I made and wondering how I could fix it the next day.
No matter what I tried, my stepdaughter kept rejecting me, and every rejection chipped more of my self-esteem into sawdust. Because of a 10yo kid, my friends. 🤦🏻♀️
So, a few lessons from this I’d love to pass along and hopefully save you from a similar level of burnout:
- That stepparenting advice tends to gloss over the part about how it can take years for you and your stepkid to feel comfortable around each other.
- Typical stepparenting advice doesn’t apply when the ex is high conflict, because those dynamics can seriously mess up the normal blending process.
- Your stepkid not liking you really isn’t personal, and them rejecting you typically means they’re not ready for a relationship with you yet — and that’s because of what they’re going through, not because of you. Even if you were Mary Poppins, your stepkid would probably find some reason not to like you if they’re determined enough.
In other words, you can probably stop walking on eggshells and go back to being yourself. Go ahead and give your stepkid some space, and give yourself some space too. You’ll both feel better for it. Remember, it takes 5 to 7 years to blend a family. You’ve got all the time in the world to figure out the stepparent-stepkid relationship.
In the meantime, this blog might help: ➡️ Why does my stepkid hate me? 6 reasons why stepkids reject stepparents 👀
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