"Don't Be Silly..."

Deconstructing Gaslighting™

Are all people who gaslight also narcissists? Have you ever wondered if it’s not that one-dimensional? In today’s episode, Sarah deconstructs her guest’s experience in a way that will help answer these questions.

My guest today is Cat Etherington. Cat is a certified professional life coach and integrative counselling practitioner. She currently serves as Director of Recovery for Naked Truth Project, an international nonprofit offering support to individuals and couples impacted by problematic sexual behaviors.

Word of the day: SCALE, as in “Behavioral Observation Scale”. In Sarah’s work with the topic of gaslighting, she saw that there was a WIDE variety of gaslighting experiences. Most importantly the level of the gaslighter’s awareness and the different “motives” for resorting to gaslighting behaviors. So, she created her “Scale of Gaslighting as a Behavior”. We all are familiar with the Charles Boyer/”The narcissist” end of the scale; in Cat’s story, you’ll get a REALLY clear picture of the other side of the scale – and, how EVEN when someone is unaware that they are gaslighting, the impact can STILL be traumatic and damaging. (Want to get an in-depth understanding of my scale? Sign up for my workshop here!)

Story Time: Sarah and Cat discuss what could be considered “low-level” gaslighting by Cat’s dad throughout her childhood:

• Revealed the culprit of Cat’s story: when any negative emotion was expressed, her dad would say, “Don’t be silly…”.

Deconstruction Zone:

• The main aspect is the roles – when someone holds a role of authority or love (or, in this case, both), it’s normal/natural/human to TRUST them. As a child, Cat looked to her dad for the information on how to live life – how to navigate relationships, etc.
• Role + “risk” of wanting to trust + desire to be good enough/loved by your parent = Cat vulnerable to unknowingly allowing her dad to define for her how to live/feel/behave, etc.
• Combine this with the gaslighting Cat’s dad did = her to see parts of herself as negative (even unwelcome) = she stuffed that part. She got sucked into the negotiation trap: “If I can not be “a silly girl”, then I will be loved.”
• Cat’s dad’s statement of “Don’t be a silly girl” was a minimizing statement of her feelings that carried a negative connotation. While he was unaware of what he was doing, he basically brainwashed Cat into believing that being silly was “bad”, and that certain feelings were silly = certain feelings were bad.

Set Your Alarm: Understanding that gaslighting behaviors are on a scale allows us to approach it with a different energy – that is, with curiosity rather than fear. To live awake and free, Sarah’s tip today is these three things that can help you do this:

1. Get safe – make sure you are in a safe place – even better, with safe people.
2. Get grounded – do some rectangular breathing, body tapping, meditate, whatever gets you grounded in the present moment (where you are safe).
3. Give yourself permission to not have to make a decision right now about whatever you discover as you get curious – detach from the outcome of what you find.

Remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!

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