"If you want dessert, you have to eat your peas"

Deconstructing Gaslighting™

Narcissism. Manipulation. Toxic behavior. Dark Triad. Gaslighting… all buzz words – do you ever wonder if there’s a difference, and if so, what IS the difference? In today’s episode Sarah deconstruct her guest, Nicole’s FOO in a way that will address these questions.

If you’d like to learn more about these types of things, you are invited to attend Sarah’s FREE workshop. Read all about when the next one starts and get the details here.

Word of the day: TOXIC, as in toxic person/relationship. Definition per webmd: anyone whose behavior adds negativity and upset to your life. When it comes to gaslighting, the KEY is recognizing and understanding the impact a person’s toxic behaviors has on you. Per my definition of gaslighting, your thoughts/feelings/perceptions are CHANGED due to the other person influence. In other words, it's possible for someone to exhibit toxic behaviors to end up gaslighting us, AND, it’s possible for someone’s toxic behaviors to NOT gaslight us.

Story Time: Sarah and Nicole talk about the pigeon-holing Nicole and her sister experienced as children, and the impact that had on how she saw herself (the limiting beliefs she carried into adulthood). They then contrast that with toxic behavior Nicole has experienced, over and over, around family holidays – and yet, in THESE situations, Nicole was NOT gaslit.

• Sarah and Nicole discuss the key differences, including the difference between having emotional responses to toxic behaviors vs being gaslit (altering thoughts/feelings/beliefs/action) by toxic behaviors.

Deconstruction Zone:

• The pigeonholing Nicole’s mom did can be broken down into this pattern of gaslighting:
• Combination of coercion and brainwashing:
• She defined WHO Nicole was (what she was good at, etc) = changing/ignoring of reality + minimizing/trivializing of talents that fit outside of her description of Nicole
• Coercion (ZERO intent/awareness) + reinforcing messages (aka brainwashing) by rewarding when she “performed” according to what pleased her.
• Over time, we don’t just do this to get love, we assimilate these expectations/definitions of ourselves.
• Nicole was “vulnerable” to gaslighting = the parent/child dynamic, when the parent has toxic behaviors/patterns, it can turn normal/natural/HUMAN desires into vulnerabilities for being gaslit: desire to believe/trust the person + desire to be seen/understood, and experience approval from the person + desire to be loved by the person…
• Without emotional maturity, self-awareness, and connection to our knowing, makes us vulnerable to unknowingly allowing ourselves to be defined by other people.

Set Your Alarm: Be mindful of when the desire to understand ALLLL the things becomes all-consuming. You don’t have to read every article on all the buzz words. While it can be helpful, the MOST helpful thing is to sink inward –asking yourself how you FEEL in the relationship is the truest truth you can find. So today’s tip is to strive for balance in your search for understanding between what is happening outside of you, and what is happening INSIDE of you, with tipping the scale, ALWAYS, in favor of sinking in to your knowing.

Remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!

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