Episode 25 - Part 3: Self esteem: May your life be as awesome as it appears on social media

Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life

Episode 25 - Part 3: Self esteem: May your life be as awesome as it appears on social media

Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License

https://www.excelatlife.com/articles/selfesteem/index.htm

The key that self esteem serves in preventing suicide

-Examine Your Self-labels

How often do you call yourself names or label yourself in a negative way?

Awareness is an important part of change. Start noticing when you label yourself. Pay attention to the words you use in your self-talk such as “That was stupid” or “I can't do anything right.”

- Step 4. Start Reducing Your Self-labeling (reference to self-talk in previous episode on jealousy)

Once you have become more aware of your self-labeling and have a baseline to measure your progress, the next step is to start reducing your self-labeling. Notice that I'm saying “reduce,” not “stop.”

Instead, try to reduce the labeling over time. You can continue to keep a count as you did in step 3 and just record each day how many times you labeled yourself.

"Be careful how you are talking to yourself because you are listening." - Lisa Hayes

- Create Daily Affirmations (but don't take yourself too seriously)

I know it seems somewhat cliché today to create affirmations but sometimes things are cliché because they work. Start your day with an affirmation. Then focus on that affirmation throughout the day. Help yourself own it by looking for additional evidence that validates the affirmation. For instance, if your affirmation is “I try to improve myself and do the best I can” observe ways that you do that throughout the day and write them down. Obviously, even creating the affirmation and focusing on it could be one piece of evidence for this affirmation.

- Be Courteous in Your Self-talk.

Many times when I catch people engaging in negative self-talk they will say, “But it's the truth!” However, truth can be cloaked in many ways depending upon what we want to accomplish. How often when confronting others do you describe them or their behavior as negatively as your own? You may change the wording when talking to someone else.

"If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be." - Maya Angelou

- Accept Compliments and Stop Apologizing.

Accepting compliments is difficult for many people with low self-esteem. However, apologizing is too simple for them and often excessive. Even though both of these behaviors come from negative feelings towards the self (undeserving and guilty)

1) Accept Compliments. Notice how you respond to compliments. Do you tend to dismiss or downplay them? Do you tend to think people “are just being nice”? Well, of course, they are being nice! What is wrong with that? Just accept them. When you don't accept compliments people often stop giving you compliments because it is not very rewarding to them to have their overture denied.

2) Stop Apologizing. Many people with low self-esteem apologize for very minor behaviors; often, behaviors that aren't even a mistake or causing problems for others. Such apologizing causes two outcomes. One, it reinforces within you that you are to blame and the cause of problems for other people. Two, it is uncomfortable and annoying for others to have to constantly reassure “That's okay. Don't worry about it.”

- Hold your head up.

This step is a simple to describe step but can be difficult for some people with low self-esteem. Many people with low self-esteem try to be unobtrusive so as not to be noticed by others (and thereby, criticized). One way they do this is by not looking at others, tending to keep their head down and even trying to take up as little space as possible such as by hunching their shoulders and staying out of other people's paths.

"The highest form of intelligence is to view yourself without judgment." - Krishnamurti

- Make eye contact and smile.

Many people with low self-esteem try not to make eye contact and smile at others they pass in the hall at work or at the grocery store or out for a walk. One of the reasons people avoid eye contact is fear of rejection. Making eye contact, and especially smiling, feels vulnerable because the other person can respond with negative non-verbals or ignore you. For people with low self-esteem such a reaction can feel like rejection.

Even though it may feel emotionally safer to avoid eye contact, you will have more acceptance and positive responses from others when you make eye contact and smile. Such responses will lead to a more positive cycle and help you feel more confident and better about yourself.

- Say "Hello"

Acting confident leads to feeling confident. One reason for this is other people more readily respond which increases positive interactions. Many people with low self-esteem wait for others to make the first overture. As discussed in the previous step, they don't want to risk rejection.

"Too many people overvalue what they are not, and undervalue what they are." - Malcolm Forbes