The Paradox of the Good Girl Identity with Tessa

Say YES to Your Soul

Tessa discusses the concept of the "Good Girl Identity Syndrome" and its negative impact on self-worth and authenticity. She identifies four primary behavioral patterns associated with this syndrome: people pleasing, perfectionism, hiding feelings or thoughts, and not speaking your truth. Learn how having this Syndrome has an unhealthy effect on your relationships and can even draw in narcissists. She encourages you to rebel against self-sabotaging behaviors and to prioritize your own well-being and connection with your soul.

Tessa’s Free Gift: If you want to reignite your Soul Fire, get your free Reignite Your Soul Roadmap here and Say YES to Your Soul! http://www.tessafreegift.com/

Check it out!

• The concept of the "Good Girl Identity Syndrome" and its negative impact on self-worth and authenticity
• Rebelling against others is not a solution, as it still traps you within the identity
• Understand the four primary behavioral patterns of the Good Girl Identity and its unhealthy impact on your relationships
• Stress and perpetual striving associated with perfectionism, emphasize the fear of criticism and the inability to rest
• The importance of not hiding feelings or thoughts, as it leads to a lack of expression, eroding self-trust and self-worth
• Practical tips for breaking free from the Good Girl Identity Syndrome

* About the Host *

Tessa Lynne Alburn believes that every woman has the ability to learn to express their true voice, be heard, and fulfill their dreams.

As a Feminine Energy Coach and Soul Connection Mentor for women, Tessa supports you in having the freedom you crave and strong connections with others, as you live powerfully with joy and a sense of adventure.

Tessa’s Free Gift: If you want to be freer, happier and more courageous in life, get your free Soulful E-Guide here and Say YES to Your Soul!

http://www.tessafreegift.com/

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Transcript

Tessa (00:00):

Hello there. Today I would love to share with you the concept of what I call the good girl identity syndrome, and ways for you to start to unravel it so that you can live more authentically and more fully expressed. So what is this good girl identity syndrome and why is it a problem? It doesn't even sound bad, right? It sounds great, sounds good. Oh, good girl. Like a good little doggy, a good little pet. Oh, good little girl. Sit there, be quiet, et cetera. The problem with this identity is that it lowers your self worth rather than actually making you feel better about yourself. It does the opposite. That's the paradox of it. And if you rebel against being a good girl, you are still trapped in the identity and you're letting it define your choices. Lemme say that again. You're still trapped in the identity and you're letting it define your choices.

(01:21)

And I know rebels don't like to hear that. Bebelling is just an illusion of being in control. Now, that's a topic for another day, but I've identified four primary behavioral patterns of a good girl identity. And this has come about not only from research and studies, but from working with clients over the years and seeing the impact of these behaviors on women's lives and the ways that it stops them and the ways that it shuts them down or overwhelms them or keeps them from feeling free and happy. It definitely keeps them from being expressed from a place of their true self. As I described, the primary behavioral patterns, you might find that you resonate with 1, 2, 3, or all of them, all of the behavioral patterns. Wherever this is happening for you, that is an area in your life where you could start to make some changes.

(02:28)

So I want you to hang in there with me and I'm gonna give you some pointers on that. So let's get into the four behavioral patterns. The first behavior is people pleasing, right? People pleasing. It actually sounds so nice. I please people, I get to please others, I get to do things for them. It sounds like harmless. But what happens in people pleasing is that you are habitually putting yourself second, third, fourth, or even further down the line than everyone else. It requires that you put other people first. I think one of the main things that happens with the people pleaser is that if they feel like they want to ask for support or for help, they just can't do it. They convince themselves that they need to be independent. So it sets up these patterns of in relationship of not fully really being able to be in the relationship. There's not as much give and take. There's a lot of give on the side of a people pleaser.

(03:39)

So one's relationships become really out of balance. So someone who wants to be in relationship and wants that give and take, if they're not able to give, they're gonna feel not seen, not heard, they might not understand what's going on and the dynamic, but what will happen is a narcissist or somebody who's a taker will move in. And so then you've got the giver giving and the taker taking. And this is not a healthy relationship style.

(04:12)

The next area of behavior for a good girl identity is perfectionism. And sometimes this goes hand in hand with people pleasing, but not always. With people pleasing, the protection mechanism is not to be rejected. With perfectionism, it's not to be criticized and humiliated. So you can set yourself up to strive and strive and strive, and there creates a sense of never having any rest. It's highly stressful to be in perfectionism. It requires that you overwork, that you overgive, that you overcompensate, that you can never like, just rest. And it's connected very much to not feeling okay with making mistakes. Like the roof is gonna cave in. If you make a mistake.

(05:10)

The next behavior of a good girl identity is hiding your feelings or thoughts or just holding them back. There's a lack of expression, and I think most good girls, people who are in that identity think that by holding back, they're helping in some way. The problem is that it's actually a form of dishonesty and it erodes self-trust, which leads to the erosion of self-worth. The fourth behavior is not speaking your truth. Now, you might think that's similar to the third behavior, but it has its own special gifts. . While it could be feeling that isn't being spoken, it's often simply an opinion, or it could be knowledge or information, just not feeling like you can actually say those things. Maybe you're worried about being bullied or maybe you're worried about what people in the office will think of you or what your family will think of you or what will happen if you say your opinion that there's some sort of negative thing that can happen. And that becomes very, very limiting. And so rather than being in an expansive identity, you're in an identity that is closing in on you, and then years go by and you have an awareness and you're like, oh my gosh, it's five years later than that time, and I'm still not living my life.

(06:51)

I'm still doing the same things. Or, oh, I was living for my mom, or I was living for somebody else. It could be a friend even. Over the years, I've noticed a few times when I was in a friendship and I was being a good girl and overgiving people pleasing, and I wasn't getting anything that I really needed from that relationship, I had convinced myself that giving was the relationship, but energetically that does not work. That is not a complete partnership. It's not a complete relationship. We need to be able to speak, we need to be able to express, we need to be able to be honest. So here are some of the things that I would like to encourage you to start practicing. Practice or just start becoming more aware and see if that starts to open something up for you.

(07:55)

The first thing is, I want you to start to let go of your fear of betraying authority figures. An authority figure could be an actual authority figure, and you certainly wanna be a responsible adult in that kind of situation. But in our psychology, we tend to make people authority figures when they're really not anymore. When we are adults, we don't have authority figures ruling over us anymore. Even though you might think you do. The right authority figure is you, your adult self along with the guidance of your higher power and your soul. So if you feel you have authority figures in your life that you are bending around, it's probably because you're feeling like you can't risk anything with 'em.

(08:56)

And so what you're gonna need to do is let go of your fear of betraying them because you're not. You get to be authentic, and by being authentic, you're actually bringing a gift to the world. The second thing I'd like to encourage you to do is to let other people stew in their own stuff from time to time, whether that's a friend who's like needing a lot of support, and it's become a burden to you to be able to deliver on all that support. Or when somebody, this one I love when somebody's mad at you, typically a good girl is going to try to make the other person feel better, but that is not your job and it doesn't help the other person grow. So if you have that urge, like, no, I gotta fix it. I could never let somebody be mad at me for any length of time or, I just couldn't possibly do that or somebody's upset and not help them and jump in there and fix it. That's just a sign that you've got the Good Girl identity syndrome. So what you wanna do about it is build your capacity for the discomfort when someone else is upset and not take it on yourself. Don't make it about you.

(10:24)

The fourth thing I want you to do is to start thinking about how you could raise your ability to receive praise and criticism. Praise might be small things. So many women want to dismiss, like just the smallest compliment. Oh, I like your skirt. Oh, that's nothing. I got it on sale. , like, just receive, start receiving in those little places. Or you know, your hair looks great, thank you, but my such and such isn't in good shape right now. I feel flabby. Like just, you want to cease that. You want to be able to receive praise 'cause without it, the inner critic just grows and grows and grows, and the self-worth goes down, down, down. And in the criticism area, when you receive criticism from anyone else, I want you to inhibit adding on more criticism to it. Like, oh, I'm so bad, right? To make yourself feel horrible, because that is gonna undermine and eat away at your self-worth. Mistakes are human. Everyone makes them, everyone needs to make them. Making mistakes is how we learn. So we may as well be kind to ourselves when we make a mistake. And remember this, that making a mistake does not mean we're bad or deserve to be shamed. A mistake is just a fact. Oh, I made a mistake, not, oh, I made a mistake, and therefore, oh, I'm not good enough. So you wanna start to inhibit that pathway in your thoughts, interrupt it.

(12:28)

So fifth, I want you to practice making mistakes. Make some bold ones, maybe even rebel now and then. Just rebel in healthy ways, right? Not in self sabotaging ways. Rebel by saying, no, I'm not gonna do it like that anymore. I'm gonna find a different way, or I'm not gonna get down on myself for making a mistake. I'm gonna rebel against being done on myself. I'm gonna rebel against the inner critic. If that's what you wanna rebel, rebel against that. And I want you to set boundaries. Learn to say no. Know your limits and stick to them. I'm gonna do probably a couple of episodes on boundaries coming up because I think that's one of the areas most women have trouble with, even if they're not in a good girl identity. And then we have a sense of feeling disempowered.

(13:30)

The last thing I want you to do is to remember that you soul is sacred. She's just as sacred as everyone else's, and you're in partnership with your soul. Your soul did not go to anyone else. You and your soul are meant to be together for this journey, this life. And you can tend to your soul from an adult place, not a negative parent way or a critical way, but a loving, understanding way. So I invite you to come into harmony with that. Listen to your soul, discover your truth, and step into new ways of expressing and being that are in harmony with you and your soul.

(14:25)

Thank you so much for being here, and I will see you the next time.

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