Narcissistic Parents During the Holidays with Anna Hollaender-Bird

The Codependummy Podcast

-What makes a parent a ‘narcissistic parent?’

-How does having a narcissistic parent often breed to codependency in their children and family members?

-If you have a narcissistic parent, what can you do to navigate their behaviors during the holidays?

Welcome to Episode 154! This week, I am joined by Anna Hollaender-Bird to spare you from your holiday misery if you happen to have a narcissistic parent. Anna discusses the common characteristics of a narcissistic parent and how their children or other family members may develop codependency in an attempt to navigate that relationship. We focus on what a narcissistic parent may act like during the holidays and the consequences if their behaviors go unaddressed. Spoiler: it ain’t pretty! We end with concrete suggestions from Anna on how you can deal with your narcissistic parent this holiday season. It’s a must-listen!

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More on this week’s guest:

Anna Hollaender-Bird is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), public speaker, and wellness advocate specializing in helping women, creatives, and high achievers feel their best. Her favorite topic is dealing with your difficult or narcissistic parent. She runs engaging, informative, and most of all healing workshops on this topic.

www.talkwithanna.com

More deets on the episode:

We begin with hearing Anna’s definition of codependency: it’s caretaking for others based in a survival response. Often seen in taking care of others and putting others needs above our own that’s rooted in our past, like our relationship with our parents, that serve as a template for what to expect from future relationships.

Anna opens up about codependency in her own life in her relationship with her mother. She reflects on her wedding and how she was caretaking for her mother the day-of after her mother became upset. She lists her common codependent behaviors, including apologizing prematurely, trying to keep her mom happy, entertaining her mother, and planning to spend more time with her to avoid upsetting her.

So, what does it mean to be a ‘narcissistic parent?’ Anna describes how narcissistic parents, when confronted, are unable to a) apologize and b) self-reflect on themselves. Their traits include being charming and generous then shifting to being blaming/punishing, hold and cold interactions, easily triggered, and focused on their needs.

As a child of a narcissistic parent, one can be vulnerable to becoming codependent since they are required to ignore their own needs, keep their feelings to themselves, not ask for what they want, and are often in a fear response of their parent’s negative reaction. During the holidays, this can turn into high conflict, high expectations/demands, being performative, creating problems, anger in response to boundaries, and causing problems.

If unaddressed, these patterns can lead to burn out, dread for the holidays, and a sense of mourning. Anna suggests practicing mindful self-compassion, setting limits and boundaries, bringing a buddy, creating a level of protection, self-care, and not being so hard on yourself.

Thanks for coming on Anna! And thank you for being here, dear listener!

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