As a Betrayed Partner, How do I Live “Empowered” Regardless of what my Addict Partner Does or Does Not Do?

Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE

In Episode 252, we talk about how our “Culture of Empowerment” at D2C came about; our PASSION for PARTNERS finding their EMPOWERMENT . . . (and addicts of course, but this episode is about partners)

The seeming BLARING CONTRADICTION of a betrayed partner “owning her side of the street”!—

• Betrayed partners find themselves in a variety of situations—
  • The addict partner is not engaged in recovery at all
  • The addict partner is kind of half-in-half out
  • The addict partner is working it hard and consistent, but the betrayed partner feels like she’s “lagging behind” (which is a “misnomer,” VERY common and a natural, normal part of healing and increasing safety
• What does it mean to “LIVE IN EMPOWERMENT”?
  • First, what does it NOT mean? It in NO way means that:
    • The addict’s behaviors are in ANY way the fault of the betrayed partner—she did not cause this; she does not deserve it; she is NOT responsible to “fix it” and indeed CANNOT
    • ALL of the betrayed partner’s feelings are LEGITIMATE and MUST be heard, acknowledged, validated and addressed.
    • The addict partner absolutely MUST face, own and actively pursue HIS SIDE OF THE STREET.
  • What IS empowerment for a Betrayed Partner—
    • Here is the definition we use in the “D2C Culture of Empowerment”—Here at D2C, our goal is to help you claim your right & power to create and collaborate in your own change, growth & serenity—to EMPOWER YOU!
    • What are the essential elements for a Betrayed Partner to move into and consistently live in a place of empowerment?
      • Have a healthy, safe, supportive space to express your FULL feelings WHATEVER they may be and WHY you are feeling them (“What is under this?”) NOTE: this support, at least for a good while, is nearly NEVER your addict partner!) Examples include—Support Group; Therapist; trusted/safe family member/friend; Dare to Connect . . .
      • Response–ability & Account–abitilty: we cannot change what we cannot own. Recognizing “my next right thing” in ANY situation is critical to staying in a place of empowerment. Refusing to be pigeon-holed into a victim role means recognizing my options, whatever they may be, in ANY situation. There are ALWAYS choices, even if those choices are uncomfortable.
      • Become VERY clear and specific about your Authentic Wants & Needs in your individual life and in the relationship. Learn the skills to express these in a healthy way.
      • Surround your wants and needs with clear, specific BOUNDARIES and couple these with VERY clear, specific outcomes/consequences—NOT to control his side of the street, but to keep your authentic self, wants and needs protected.
      • KEY—a betrayed partner living in empowerment does NOT in ANY way release the addict from ANY level of responsibility and accountability—in fact, it actually places those things MORE on his shoulders and STRICTLY on his side of the street.
      • Also—what an addict chooses to do or not do, does NOT control whether or not the betrayed partner can or will live an EMPOWERED LIFE. What it DOES directly impact is whether or not the couple can COLLABORATE, be a team, have each other’s backs and BE COMPATIBLE.

For a summary article from the transcript of this podcast, go to: "As a Betrayed Partner, How do I Live "Empowered" Regardless of what my Addict Partner Does or Does Not Do?"

Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services